5 Ways to Stop Yelling at the Kids | Losing Your Shit Less Often

Dear Mom (that is tired of losing her shit),

It’s going to be okay. The kids are saying “all you do is yell!”. You are tired and your nerves are shot. I’ve been there, trust me. I now use these 5 ways to stop yelling at the kids and lose my shit less often.

We were raising 2 boys that loved to test their limits. They were boys through and through, especially the second child. He seemed to have no fear when it came to most things and illogical fear for others and was the reason there were 6 years between him and his little sister.

By the time we had our third child, I was able to stay calmer more often. I was asked by a cousin this past weekend if our boys ever pushed our limits. They did and I lost my shit often when they were little!

I broke one day. I had been yelling lots and couldn’t take anymore. I didn’t want to raise my kids this way but wasn’t going to be the mom of disrespectful little shits either.

*Side note* One of the biggest reasons I was yelling so much was a chaotic life – work and at home. I used these techniques to simplify life and make life more enjoyable, but I ultimately started looking within myself to find alignment with the real me again. When I did that I found the key to work-life balance is understanding what your pillars of life are. Take the quiz below to find your pillars of life.

Here are the 5 ways to stop yelling that worked for me. Hopefully, you find something here that might work for you.

1. Let them know you hear them

Like adults, kids want to be heard. They want to know that you understand what they want. One of the best ways to diffuse an escalated situation in business is to listen to the person and calmly let them know you understand their point of view.

You don’t have to agree with that point of view, but you understand their point of view.

Kids are the same way. Letting them know that you hear what they are saying is a way to get them to start listening to you as well. Diffuse the argument and then you can start having a conversation where you can try and coach them to think another way.

2. Look them in the eyes

I read somewhere years ago that the best way to get the attention of little boys was to look them in the eyes when asking them to do something. Yelling at them to clean their room when they were playing in a puddle wasn’t working.

I started doing this method and it worked most of the time. I even continued when we had our third child (a girl). How I asked for help helped us raised compassionate humans.

Asking for help method:

Get down to their level – sit on the floor to talk, or bring them to your knee. Look them in the eyes, face to face.
Ask them to help you and tell them why – this tells them why you need them to help
Get them to repeat what you asked them to do and why – this shows that they understood what you are asking and why
Thank them for helping you – letting them know how much they helped you matters.

3. Give them a warning

The look of surprise on my kids’ faces when I’d lose my shit was shocking to me. How could they not see me losing my patience? They won’t stop arguing with me about how badly they need that blue car!

I used to think that our oldest was going to be in politics when he got older. He could argue with me endlessly.

I started giving them warnings and this helped. I’d say, “my patience was the size of a watermelon, but now it is getting smaller”. At first, they looked at me like I had lost my mind, but it helped them figure out when they were pushing me too far.

When I was close to losing it, I’d give them their final warning by telling them:

“My patience is the size of a pea.”

There were days that I’d come home from work and feel short on patience already. I needed a mom time-out so I could rationally talk to my kids.

I’d use this same tool to explain that it wasn’t anything they had done, but mom just needs a timeout. Then I would ask them to play nice with one another quietly in another room. This worked really well for all of us.

4. Use a Trigger word

This tool was created by accident but worked really well. I started saying, “Seriously?” a lot when the kids would do something without thinking through the consequences first.

This one word helped start a conversation about safety concerns when the kids did something without thinking. It got to the point that if I said “seriously!” they would stop and look at me instantly.

Kids don’t naturally learn to think through their actions before doing them (boys and girls). Teaching them how to do this is important. Coaching them through situations is one of the most rewarding parts of being a parent. Seeing themselves use those tools to navigate through situations as they grow up is amazing!

5. Expectations and Consequences

When the kids were little and as they grew older, I made sure they knew how they needed to behave in certain situations. I’d give them a pep talk before we went somewhere or if certain visitors were coming over.

They were allowed to be kids, but tantrums in the store or arguing with me in public were not accepted. By now they knew that if I told them there would be consequences, I would follow through with them.

Groundings, toys are taken away, no playdates, no video games…

The best consequence I liked to use as they grew older was:

If you embarrass me, I get to embarrass you (on purpose)!

Embarrassing them happened naturally. I could dance around the house alone, fully clothed, with curtains closed, and this would embarrass them.

The rule was if we were out or had visitors and they embarrassed me, I could at any time embarrass them in front of their friends. Petty? Yep, but it worked like a charm!

If they even thought about skipping school when they were teens, that would fall into the “embarrass me-embarrass you” category. I’d remind them of my friend that showed up to her son’s high school in hair curlers and a bathrobe, as she escorted him from class to class one day. She warned him to go to class, and he didn’t believe her.

My kids know that I’m crazy enough to follow through with something like this.

Are you scared to open the windows when the weather is nice? Do you need a sign warning the neighbors that you may lose your shit? It’s okay. It will be okay. We all lose our shit sometimes.